The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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