honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
