Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
