I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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