thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
