I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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