I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Small penises have feelings too.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
