3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
