highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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