we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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