I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
