There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i've created a new STD.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
