At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
