I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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