I want to walk on stilts...naked
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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