i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
