Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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