So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
