Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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