Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
