it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
