so that wasnt chicken after all
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
