I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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