I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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