It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
