whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
