I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
