Say something about gay babies.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
