it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
