oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
