I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
