There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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