In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
