Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
