we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
