you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
