I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
barbara walters just said penis...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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