I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
