I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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