my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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