No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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