No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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