Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
