He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Did I show you my penis last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
