i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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