My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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