Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
