FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
