I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
