What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
