I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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